How do you know what to say to someone who has cancer?

We want to start by saying that there is no right or wrong way to speak to a person with cancer and it is OK if you don't know what to say. This is your colleague / friend / loved one / family member who is ill, they may be scared or worried or they may be taking their diagnosis in their stride.  The most important thing at this stage is to listen. However, carefully choosing what you say can also help you show your support.

Is there a right time to talk to someone with cancer?

Each person responds to their cancer diagnosis in their own way.  Some people just go about their daily business and ignore cancer and some want to tell everyone every detail of their diagnosis and cancer treatment.  Most people are somewhere in between.  Sometimes, the person’s need to talk changes from day to day and may depend on where they are in their treatment or cancer journey. So we would suggest that if they start the conversation, let them take the conversation where they choose. If they don't start a conversation about their cancer it is OK to ask if they want to speak about it and let them know that you want to support them. This is a respectful way to find out what they need.

Let your friend know it’s okay if they don't want to talk.

Someone with cancer might not always want to think about or discuss their health or treatment. It may just be the wrong time or it may be always.  Sometimes talking about their cancer or treatment makes them identify a  “cancer patient” and this can strip away their self-identity.  If they don't want to say anything about their illness or treatments, talking about other things or having a joke (where appropriate) are often welcome distractions and another way to show support.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer they can go through a whole range of emotions. At times uncertainty or fears of treatment and the unknown can make cancer patients feel angry, depressed, or anxious. Fears of their future health and hope for their future may be at the top of their mind. This is a normal part of the cancer journey. It may be at these times that the person needs their friends and family members close for support. Some may need extra help from a support group to learn to deal with the changes cancer has brought into their life. These groups can sometimes also provide hope. Whether they will want to speak to you, or anyone, about their cancer or treatment, will vary from person to person. What is important is that you try to hear and understand how they are feeling, don't make many suggestions and try to understand how their life has changed and their health may never be quite the same.

3 basic tips for what NOT to do when talking to a cancer patient

There is no doubt that it is sometimes hard to know what things to say to a person diagnosed with cancer and words like 'stay positive' or 'be brave' are not always appropriate.

We have three basic rules for what not to do when trying to show support.

1. Give advice

It is always hard to give good advice when you are not in the person’s shoes. When listening to someone's problems, the natural reaction can be to attempt to offer a solution. Despite this inclination, in most circumstances, the best and safer option is to ask questions, or simply listen when they need to say something.

2. Discuss alternatives

Usually, by the time you hear that someone has cancer, they have already been overwhelmed with different cancer treatments or outcome scenarios. New or alternative treatments, or cancer-curing diets, are usually not what a person with cancer wants to hear at this stage.  You may mean well, but it is not required to offer suggestions for other options, unless the person has specifically asked you for some, or revealed that they are actively looking for alternatives.

3. Speak about other people's cancer

It is so easy to be reminded of other people's cancer when faced with a friend or loved one who has a cancer diagnosis. People often try to relate the experiences of others to those they already understand, in order to show understanding, or for another well-intentioned reason. However, it is actually not a good idea to speak about these in most cases, as they are unlikely to be exactly relevant, and might even be depressing for the person you are talking to.

Unless you have uplifting stories that directly relate to the person you are talking to, it is best to stay away from the topic of other people's cancer.

For example, if the person is concerned about taking a certain cancer treatment and you know someone who has had a (reasonably) positive experience with that treatment and is still OK, then that can be a nice thing to tell them. If appropriate you can even introduce the two people so they can learn from the experiences.  It is obviously not OK to say that you know of an acquaintance with a similar cancer who died ….

Help to get you talking

Here are six tip to help you start talking

1. If you are not sure what to say or even whether they want to talk about it, let them take the lead. If they want to speak they will and you should be a good listener.  Some people want to speak about everything, some people don’t want to talk about it at all.  
2. There is no right or wrong way for a cancer patient to behave.
3. It’s ok to ask if they want to talk about it, you just need to respect their answer.  In fact, it may be best to ask, unless they start the conversation first and then let them take the conversation where they choose.
4. Silence is sometimes better than noise.  It helps people think and they may have a lot going on in their minds. If there is silence it's Ok to wait until something is said, if you have nothing to say.
5. Talking about cancer or treatments or side effects or indeed about anything too much, just because you think you should, can be annoying. It can suggest that you are not paying attention to the person's needs and is not helpful.
6. Smiling, and warm looks can get past the barriers of the illness to the person you know and love. If you don’t know them that well, silence, listening, and showing understanding may be the best way to show support.  Warm touches for comfort may or may not be welcome and you need to think if you would do this to the person anyway if they were upset about something else.

Our responses to situations are shaped by all of our experiences from our past, which is what leads to such a variety of ways that people manage and cope with stressful life events. So it is not surprising that each person responds to their cancer diagnosis in their own way. Some may want to talk in detail. Others may not want to talk about it at all. Sometimes, the person’s need to talk changes from day-to-day. If they start the conversation, let them take the conversation where they choose.  If they haven’t started the conversation ask if they would like to talk about it. This is a respectful way to find out what they need.

Let your friend know it’s okay if he or she doesn’t reply or want to talk.

Please remember that people with cancer don’t always want to think or talk about the disease. This makes them feel like their only identity is “cancer patient.” Laughing and talking about other things are often welcome distractions.

Things to remember when talking to cancer patients

• Don’t judge how they feel or act.
• Don't make light of their feelings.
• Maintain eye contact to let your friend or loved ones know you are really present and listening carefully.
• Put your own feelings and fears aside.
• If you believe that someone's health and lifestyle choices contributed to their illness, or that “God’s will” caused them to be ill, dont tell them this, there is no benefit in this.
• Don’t express overly pessimistic opinions. They almost definitely won't appreciate it.
• Don’t be afraid to say something to your friend. It is better to say, “I don’t know what to say” than to not be there for them at all.
• Be OK with silence. Speaking because you're nervous can be irritating and silence can help your friend to focus their thoughts. They may have a lot going on in their minds.
• Don’t try to find a positive view. Avoid “It could be worse,” or, "At least it isn’t...” For someone with this disease, you are probably describing their worst-case scenario (which they dont want to be reminded of).
• Avoid saying things that minimize what someone is going through such as "Everything will be fine", "Cheer up" or “Don’t worry,”  

Be yourself and try not to worry about whether you are doing things right. Let words and actions come from your heart, and remember that this is the same person.

Remember: you don't need to know what to say and there are no right words

It’s sometimes not easy to know what to say to people with cancer.  But it is important you don’t avoid them or the subject.  This can make things very difficult for you in the long run.

Conversation starters

You could say things like the following to get the conversation going:

• This must be very hard for you to go through.
• I am here if you want to chat.
• I want to help in any way I can.
• Are you having visitors?
• Is there anyone you would like me to contact for you?
• What advice can I give our friends about visiting you?

Try to hear and understand how they are feeling.

• Don’t make light, judge, or try to change the way they feel or act.
• Maintain eye contact. This gives your friend the sense that you are really present and listening carefully.
• Do not say, “I know how you feel.” it could make the person with cancer upset because you really don’t know how they feel.

Put your own feelings and fears aside.

• Don’t be afraid to talk with your friend. It is better to say, “I don’t know what to say” than to stop calling or visiting because it makes you feel bad.
• If you’re feeling tearful, let them know, but be brief. You may have to stay away until you can be there for your friend, without your friend having to comfort you.

Be OK with silence

• Try to be OK with silence. It may help your friend to focus their thoughts. Someone talking because they are nervous can be irritating.
• Sometimes silence is better than noise and can be comforting.  It can help people think and they may have a lot going on in their minds.
• If there is silence its Ok to wait until something is said, if you have nothing to say.

Using humor can be an important way of coping

Humour can provide hope, support and encouragement. It can help relieve stress and let the person take a break from the more serious nature of the situation. But you don't want to joke unless you know the person with cancer can handle it and appreciate the humor. You might want to steer away from jokes or stories about cancer unless you know the person well enough to gauge their response. Let the person with cancer take the lead; it’s healthy if they find something funny about a side effect, like hair loss or increased appetite, and you could certainly join them in a good laugh, but it's best to let them initiate this.

Suggestions of helpful and unhelpful phrases

Positive language to help show your care and support

Sometimes a short positive message for cancer patients is what's needed. Here are some supportive phrases you might want to use:

• If/when you feel like talking, I’m here to listen.
• What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
• I care about you.
• I’m thinking of you.
• I hope it will be okay.
• I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Phrases that are unhelpful

Sometimes you might say something that you don't even realize is offensive or insensitive. Here are some examples of what not to say:

• I know how you feel.
• I know what you should do.
• You will be ok
• You are brave/strong
• Keep fighting
• Don’t worry.
• How long do you have?
• Everything happens for a reason.
• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
• This is God’s plan.

Comments like these minimize and dismiss your friend's pain. Even though you may find they don't respond when you say these unhelpful phrases (or change the subject or give a polite response), it's best not to use them, as you don't know what they are thinking/feeling inside.

It is also a good idea to stay away from comments about how their personal appearance has changed, especially if it's negative. Any comments about weight, hair loss or surgery are most likely to be unhelpful unless they are sympathetic.

So for example 'bald is beautiful is a bad comment because you don't know how they are feeling about their hair. Saying 'at least you get to have a free boob job!' to someone having a mastectomy is insensitive and ignores the fact that the operation is not their choice and that their health is at risk. Another commonly used comment which is often used when someone has this disease is that the person does not look ill, or that they look great. Although meant well this might lead your friend to feel that you are not acknowledging their health issues, fear, and/or anxiety caused by your friend's illness. Their world may be collapsing, it is irrelevant how they look.

How do you cheer up friends with cancer?

Although we do get asked this question, it's not something we can answer easily. Cheering someone up when they are going through a terrible life experience is not always appropriate.

While it’s good to be encouraging to a cancer patient, it’s also important not to show false optimism or tell your friend with cancer to be brave or positive. Doing this can make them feel like you are not acknowledging very real fears, concerns, or feelings. It can also make them feel guilty for the very normal feelings that they are experiencing.

It might be more helpful to

• listen to their concerns
• let them know that you hear what they are saying
• tell them that you are a friend who will support them in their worst times as well as the good times

Tips on what to say when you want to offer to help

If you want to offer practical help to a friend, family members or loved ones with cancer, the words you use here are important too,

Many people say things like:

“I am here if you need someone”

“let me know if you need anything"

"I am here to support you"

Whilst these might be meant as sincere offers of help it would be easier for your friend to take you up on an offer of support if you were to make concrete suggestions of help. These simple phrases can go a long way  in helping support a colleague, friend or your loved ones with cancer.

Positive ways to ask if you can help

Let me help you with…

This is one of the most helpful things you can say to patients. Instead of asking someone for advice on how you can help them, tell them specifically what you’re able to help with. Other things you might say that are more direct ways you can offer help are:

What day works for a visit?

What food can I make for you?

Can I take you to your appointment next week?

Let me know what shopping I can do for you

Examples can are things like

• driving them to their cancer treatment
• helping look after their friends and family
• offering to help with specific household chores
• visiting them in hospital (check that they want to see people first)
• thinking about what might make their life feel abit more normal and try to implement that, if they are up for it. Maybe a night in with friends or family watching TV, or a walk somewhere nice?

Practical ways to help people with cancer are discussed further here

What to say when you can't visit your friend in person

When you cant get to visit a friend or family member who has been diagnosed with cancer, it doesn't mean you can't support them and stay connected. In fact, there are many ways you could still be helpful and show your support that would be appreciated when a visit is impossible.

Many people communicate with friends in many different ways and people with cancer are no different. If you do not see your friend regularly, a phone call, text message, or video call will show that you care. But you need to make sure your friend knows it is okay if they don't reply to you.

An important thing to say here is to make sure you do make contact, whether by call, text or letter. You would be surprised how many people actually lose touch with their friends and family when they get their cancer diagnosis. This can affect friendships for many years.

Phone calls

A simple phone call, just to say that you heard about what is going on and feel sorry that you can't be there to support them, can help someone with cancer feel less isolated. You could make regular phone calls or texts to check in on your friend and make sure they are ok, depending on what sort of relationship you have. If you make a specific time for a check-in call, let your friend know when you will be calling. Also, let your friend know that it is okay not to answer the phone.

You don't have to talk about their cancer diagnosis or treatment and would need to gauge how much they wanted to say about what is going on. Just the simple act of getting in touch can make a huge difference to the life they are currently living.

What do you write in a card to a person with cancer?

The same rules above apply when writing to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. You need to remember that this person with cancer is still the same friend, family member or loved one. They are just going through a very challenging time in their life, their world is changing and they may feel lonely and scared. A letter would not just be the place to comment on the fact that you are sorry to hear about what they are going through and to offer support through whatever means you can. It can also be an opportunity to take their thoughts away from their diagnosis. Perhaps you could relay some stories about what you have been up to, or suggest that you might visit your friend in the future.

There are also cancer empathy cards that have appropriate wordings on them which you can send to your friend to show support and free digital cancer support cards designed to be received immediately or in a scheduled manner, perhaps to coincide with the start or end of a treatment.

When cancer treatment is over

 You still need to be sensitive in your language after treatment is over and your friend with cancer has got the 'all clear' from their doctor. After cancer treatment, your friend will now be trying to find their "new normal" and to navigate the next phase of life.

• The fear of cancer returning is possibly at the forefront of their thinking.
• Their bodies may have changed considerably.
• Drugs may still be in their systems for a few months to come.

Friends and family are an important part of this stage in their new life and encouragement and hope are needed at this stage of the journey.

Respect your friend's privacy

A person with cancer is not obliged to tell everyone about their diagnosis.

Talking to other people about your friends' cancer

If someone tells you that they have cancer their news is private, you should not tell anyone else unless they have given you permission. Let the person who has been diagnosed tell others. In some cases, patients might find it hard to tell their colleagues, friends, and family. They may ask you to spread the news or to tell certain people in which case it is OK, but you need to make sure that you can talk about them before you do.

If someone else asks you about it, you can say something like, “It's for me to share this, but I'm sure they will appreciate your concern. I'll let them know you asked about them.”

If someone else tells you about a person's cancer you should ask the person who told you if it's public information. If it's not, you probably shouldn't say anything to the person with cancer until you know they are ready.

Other places where you can get advice

Don't forget that you can always get advice regarding your friend's cancer, for example, you can always call a cancer helpline to get further advice.

Here are some cancer helpline websites from different countries

UK:

• Cancer Research UK: https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancer-chat
• Cancer Support UK: https://www.cancersupportuk.org/get-support/helpline

USA:

• American Cancer Society: https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services.html
• National Cancer Institute: https://www.cancer.gov/contact/support

Canada:

• Canadian Cancer Society: https://www.cancer.ca/en/support-and-services/support-services/?region=on
• Cancer Chat Canada: https://www.cancerchatcanada.ca/

Australia:

• Cancer Council: https://www.cancer.org.au/about-us/contact-us/
• Cancer Chat Australia: https://www.cancer.org.au/get-support/contact-us/cancer-chat-australia

France:

• Ligue contre le cancer: https://www.ligue-cancer.net/article/38785_les-numeros-durgence-et-d-assistance
• Cancer Support France: https://www.cancersupportfrance.org/finding-support-here/telephone-support/

Final thoughts

Be yourself and try not to worry about whether you are doing things right. Let words and actions come from your heart, and remember that someone with cancer is the same person that was your friend / colleague / family member / loved one before the cancer diagnosis.

Further reading

Talking To Someone With Cancer - Macmillan

How To Help Someone With Cancer

How To Support Someone Going Through Chemo: Easy and Not So Easy Tips

Worst Gifts For Cancer Patients

How To Help Someone Going Through Radiotherapy

Thoughtful gifts can sometimes speak 1000 words

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There are unfortunately times where the standard of care provided to oral cancer patients prior to diagnosis, during treatment and even after, falls below what is expected

This can have a devastating impact, even resulting in death. Some examples where a patient may have received substandard cancer treatment includes:

• Delays by a GP/dentist in considering suspected cancer pathway referrals
• Delays by a GP/dentist in referring a patient for urgent assessment
• A delay in diagnosis and failing to conduct adequate investigations
• Mistakes in interpreting investigations and staging
• Misdiagnosis of mouth cancer

In cases where there has been a delayed and/or misdiagnosis of mouth cancer, this may have resulted in the patient experiencing further complications and/or he/she requires more invasive treatment which could have otherwise been avoided.

Some of the signs and/or symptoms of mouth cancer and when they should be further investigated.

• Ulcers that do not heal within 3 weeks
• Lumps and swelling of no obvious cause in the mouth or neck
• Bleeding from the mouth or throat
• Red or white patches inside the mouth
• Persistent hoarseness or changes to the voice
• Persistent coughing or the feeling that something is stuck in the throat
• Numbness or tingling of the lips or tongue

According to The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) Guidelines, a suspected cancer pathway referral (for an appointment within 2 weeks) should be considered when there is either:

1. An unexplained ulceration in the oral cavity lasting for more than 3 weeks, or
2. A persistent and unexplained lump in the neck

Consider an urgent referral for assessment for possible oral cancer by a dentist in people who either have:

1. A lump on the lip or in the oral cavity, or
2. A red, or red and white patch in the oral cavity consistent erythoplakia

Your GP and/or dentist should carry out a physical examination and ask you about your symptoms. If mouth cancer is suspected and/or indicated, you should be referred to hospital for further investigation including speaking to a specialist oral and maxillofacial surgeon. It is thereafter likely that a biopsy will be taken to confirm the diagnosis.

If you think you have received negligent treatment

You can contact the Dental Negligence Team for an initial consultation if you think you have a negligence claim. When they receive your enquiry, their dedicated team will listen to your concerns and confirm exactly what they think has gone wrong with your dental care. Following this, prospects of success will be considered and methods of funding discussed.

Once funding is in place, your case will be transferred to a different member of the Dental Negligence Team, who will be responsible for your claim from start to conclusion. They will be available to answer any questions, provide detailed advice, and guide you through the claim process.

Time limits to pursue a clinical negligence claim

A claim for compensation will normally have to be brought within three years of the alleged negligent treatment, or three years from your date of knowledge. There are some exceptions, such as for children who have until their 21st birthday to bring a claim, or adults with mental difficulties who have no time limit.

In cases where a loved one has sadly passed away, the three-year limit often starts from the date of death but provided that the date of death is within three years of the alleged negligent treatment.

What you can claim for and how much you are likely to receive in compensation

A compensation claim is made up of two parts:

1. General damages – this is compensation for your pain, suffering and effects on your everyday life. The court will determine the amount by looking at the Judicial Studies Board Guidelines and the amounts awarded in recent similar cases.
2. Special damages – this includes things like any financial losses you’ve incurred or will incur in the future such as loss of earnings and/or travel expenses. You’ll need evidence and documentary proof to support any claims for special damages.

Depending on the seriousness of your injury, we may be able to pursue a compensation claim for continuing future loss. For example, you may be unable to earn as much as you did before the incident or need help with personal and household tasks.

In cases where you are claiming on behalf of a deceased loved one, you can claim for the pain and suffering experienced by the deceased before they died, bereavement damages (which are usually limited to the spouse or civil partner of the deceased) and funeral expenses. If you were financially dependant on the deceased as you were either a spouse or child of the deceased, you may be able to recover compensation for loss of dependency. We come across these cases quite often especially in instances where the surviving spouse must now cope with additional costs and/or expenses which he/she could have otherwise avoided. 

The Dental Negligence Team have been working in the field of dental negligence for over 30 years. Our team have expert knowledge of the field and are specialists in seeking maximum, and sometimes record-breaking, levels of compensation.

Please note that Cancer Care Parcel is just passing this information on, we have not been paid to place this article, but we do not endorse it either.

Frequently asked questions regarding cancer misdiagnosis and negligence

Further reading

Dental Health and Oral Care Products

Throat And Mouth Cancer Gifts

I Heard The Keys Jingling As The Doorknob Turned, Then The Door Opened.

My Dad entered through the door as he carried her to the bedroom. I was bewildered, trying to figure out what was going on. He explained, that a few months ago, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and had been going to Gainesville, Florida for her treatments. He told me, “Today was her last day for treatment and surgery. She is cancer free. The doctors removed all of the cancer”. My mouth dropped open with surprise as I watched my Mom, as she regained her strength. My Dad said to me, “Let her get her rest”.

My Mom was first diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer in 2014. She became cancer free in 2016 and was re-diagnosed in 2017 with metastatic breast cancer.  In March of 2018 my mom succumbed to metastatic breast cancer. 

My Mom was an outstanding singer who loved her family, had a passion for fashion, and was an extraordinary cook.  She had a beautiful spirit with an infectious smile.  What I loved the most about Mom, was her laugh.  Seeing and hearing her laugh certainly did my heart some good. 

Cancer Is A Horrendous Disease That Affects Not Only The Patient But Also Their Family. 

It can draw families closer together or can pull some families apart.  Knowing about my mother's disease caused me to have a greater appreciation for my life, love ones and my faith. My faith in God became stronger and relentless; my love for my family increased and I decided not to take anything or anyone for granted. Now, seeing life in a new light, in my Dad I see a fighter, strength for us all; he is our rock.  In my sister, I see resilience, optimism and I admire her unstoppable faith.  As for my mom, I will always remember her relentless spirit and watching her faith increase as she fought until the end. 

In her final months, as she battled the disease, I noticed that she lost a great amount of weight and her laughter began to fade.  It was scary to see.  Judging by her condition, I assumed that it was too painful for her to laugh. So, when she saw or heard something, that she found humorous, she would just smile. 

On February 4, 2018, Super Bowl Sunday, we took Mom to the hospital. 

She was to taken to UF Shands in Gainesville, Florida, since all of her doctors were there.   I thought that she was having issues with her medication, but I received the most unexpected, devastating news.  We were told that there was a tumor in her esophagus, but I knew that it was something more.  The next day, Dad gave me and my sister the news that the cancer had returned at an aggressive Stage 4.  I couldn’t believe it!  That moment felt so unreal.  On the following day, I drove to Gainesville, Florida to visit her.  When I entered her room in ICU, I did not know what to expect.  What I saw brought me to tears.  My Mom was heavily sedated and connected to a ventilator.  Although, she was heavily sedated, she knew that I was there, with a nod of her head or rubbing my hand with her finger.  I felt like I stepped into the Twilight Zone. 

My Dad was in tears.  He shook his head in disbelief and kept saying,

This is happening too soon; too fast.  She wanted to tell you girls, but she knew that she would beat this

The Doctors Entered In The Room And Gave Me The Most Overwhelming News.   

“Your mother has an aggressive form of cancer, metastatic cancer, and it is spreading throughout her body. We will do everything that we can to keep her comfortable”.  The next few weeks, was a test and trial in our faith, but we kept praying, stayed hopeful and optimistic for things to change for the better. We prayed and believed for a miracle.

When going through a hopeless situation, such as a loved one or friend having cancer, you have to find a healthy outlet or support system to help pull you through the difficult time.  During this time, I found myself forming that support system through prayer and meditation, friendships, and exercising.  One of my friends invited me to attend a Zumba class and I loved it!  From that point, I made a conscious decision to live a healthy life, which continues on today.

On March 6, I came home from work and I saw my dad sitting in the dimly lit family room.  I was surprised to see him sitting there, I immediately asked what’s going on, “Where’s Mom?”  He asked me to sit down and tried calling my sister.  He wanted to tell us the life-changing news at the same time.  At that moment, he was not able to reach her, but was able to reach her later.  He said these words, “You know your momma love you girls and is very proud of you.  Your Mom passed away tonight at 11 pm.”  The sound of uncontrollable cries and tears filled the room.

As I Wrote This Article, I Wanted To Encourage You. 

Here are three important keys that I want you to remember. 

First, don’t give up. Do not lose hope or your faith.  The situation that you or your love one is facing may look bleak but anything is possible.  Keep hope and your faith strong. 

Secondly, surround yourself with positivity.  Keep positive energy and people around you.  Use the positive energy around you as fuel to continue the fight.  I found that identifying a support system such as counseling, healthy friendships, and healthy outlets (i.e. prayer and meditation, exercising, playing an instrument or singing) will help get your mind focused and you will recalibrate. 

Third and lastly, know that you are a winner.  Although we prayed and believed for a miracle for Mom, we did not lose our faith in God.  We still believe.  She did not lose her fight.  She won.

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Further Reading

I Am A Male Breast Cancer Survivor And This Is My Story

How to Respond To a Friend With Breast Cancer

Thoughtful Breast Cancer Gifts And Care Packages

Breast Cancer Is A Disease That Does Not Discriminate

Although rare, men can get breast cancer. About 1 in 833  Zimbabwean men are diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime,  that’s about 1% of all breast cancer cases.

Robert Taylor is one of those men who has survived breast cancer, and he was proud to share his story during the Zimbabwean Men’s Health Month meeting and bust the myth that men can’t be diagnosed with breast cancer. This is his story.

Whilst Bathing One Evening In 2006 I Felt A Pea-Size Lump Next To My Right Nipple

I called my wife and asked her to look. She agreed something was not right and that I should see the doctor.

My male stubbornness kicked in immediately, You know what I mean, we men know much better than any doctor and I informed my wife it was nothing and I was fine.

About six months later I was at the doctor for a general check-up and showed him this painless pea size thing. He gave me a letter of referral to a surgeon in our area and suggested I make an appointment and see the surgeon. Again the male instinct kicked in: “lag it af”  – I am not in pain and don’t need to see this guy, it’ll just be a waste of money.

Not only that I had asked another friend about lumps and bumps, etc and he agreed it was probably just a small gland and would go down sooner or later.

By the end of 2008 this little lump had not only grown, but was also oozing slightly, each morning I would rub a bit of Reparil Gel on it, as the cell phone in my pocket would irritate it no end.

On the 28th December the same year my wife had an appointment with her doctor and I just happened to pop in to tell her I would be waiting in the car park when she was done. She asked if her doctor could just take look at the “little lump”. I said nothing to worry about, but the doctor insisted on seeing it, so I opened my chest up.

One Look At It And The Doctor Ups And Says That’s Cancer

She did not touch it or even look closely, so I was furious with the doctor, who gave her the right to say I had cancer? The fact that I had an inverted nipple and the orange peel symptoms meant nothing. Again I tried a feeble “it’s nothing” only this time no one was listening to me, the doctor gave me a referral to the surgeon, and made the appointment for me.

There seemed no way out of this for me.

Here this lady doctor was telling me, a man, that I have breast cancer.

How ridiculous is that, I don’t even have “breasts”!

I could only see the surgeon on the 17th January 2009. While I waited to see the surgeon, I was convinced that everyone was making a huge mistake, and that it was impossible that I could have breast cancer. Although my grandfather had passed away at a ripe old age from prostate cancer, and my father had passed away at the age of thirty-five from lung cancer (both were smokers), I had never touched a cigarette in my life. So how could I possibly have cancer?

My thoughts at the time were that this was a huge inconvenience to me – not only did I not have cancer, but I was running my own business and had wages to pay and many things to organize. I was totally convinced it was just a storm in a tea cup, I did not have cancer period.

Finally The Day Of The Appointment With The Surgeon Arrived

I can tell you that I was so grateful to my wife, Linda, who went with me, because when I heard the words “you have cancer” it felt as if the surgeon had started speaking a different language, one where I could only understand a few words. The next surprise was that he wanted to operate the next day and he wanted to push a needle into my lump, to extract some fluid. I was not about to let that happen. (As a child I had to receive a few lumbar punches, this put the fear of God into me as far as needles were concerned). However, unless I did this procedure, our medical aid would not pay, as they didn’t cover “boob jobs” on men! My poor wife and the surgeon managed to get the medical aid to agree to a mastectomy instead, which was done on the 4th February 2009.

The Surgeon Had Explained That They Would Go Into The Lump And Take A Piece Out That Would Be Sent Off To The Lab For Analysis

If positive for cancer, they would check the lymph nodes under my arms. When I came round I felt the drain, and then I felt a second drain. I realized then that it had been cancer all along. An absolute calm came over me. I had no pain and tried to see if they had in fact done a mastectomy.

The surgeon popped round in the afternoon and bla bla’d about cancer and the lymph nodes under the arm being affected, and therefore having been removed and that should I have any pain, there was a morphine pump attached to the drip that I could just push to alleviate the pain. He told me that it was stage 3 cancer. That evening he popped round again and asked if I had been to the loo for a leak, I told him it was not necessary as I never had the need. Next thing I know he wanted to put a catheter in. Well that was a real no no! He told me he would give me 30 minutes to go and then he would be back. Man that was the worst 30 minutes ever, I stood at the loo trying to go but nothing happened. I started praying that the surgeon got held up somewhere so that he’d forget about me. No luck. Thirty minutes later there he was ready to insert this jolly thing. It was the most humiliating thing for me, but necessary, and so began the process of letting go of self-controlled life.

I Was Allowed Home A Few Days Later With The Two Drains Sticking Out Of My Body

I started coughing and told my wife that these drains would fall out. There is nothing worse than a sick male believe me, my poor wife called friends of ours in the medical profession to please come and help her make sure the drains did not fall out. They showed her how to change the dressing, empty and count the contents of the drains and assured both of us that all was as it should be.

The following weekend my wife’s family arrived out of the blue for a visit, mother-in-law included! Then I learned my family would be coming up during the next two months for a visit. I kept very quiet after that, I just sat there letting my frustration build up inside. By the time everyone had gone home, I asked my wife why no one had the guts to tell me I was going to die, and how long had I actually been given? The poor woman was so taken aback by my thoughts that she had no answer.

How selfish I was at that time; I never thought that maybe she also needed support; it was not all about me.

After Having The Stitches Removed, It Was Time For Our Visit To The Oncologist

This would not be a problem, I had everything worked out, I would do the chemo thing, and he would just have to give it to me in pill form. Ha Ha how they laughed, this was not the way it was to be. He then suggested that I have a port inserted and that the chemo be administered this way, so it was back to the hospital for this little procedure. This was a dam sight more painful than I had thought it would be. But I was now ready to get my chemo. My sister came up to be with me on the first round. My wife had spoken with the oncologist about my phobia for needles and he had prescribed several pills, as well as an anaesthetic type of cream to rub on my skin around the area of the port. I sat there in a daze and received all my little bags of chemo, after which I was taken home. I fell asleep for the rest of the day, and the following day I felt fine and decided to go to work the following day. My wife would not hear anything about it, so I spent another boring day at home. I was now convinced I would not have any reaction to the chemo, just goes to show men can handle anything.

That Night However Things Took A Definite Turn

I started feeling flu symptoms and got this terrible pain in my chest, I thought okay this must be what dying is about, the pain got worse and I started breathing with difficulty.  I started looking at my situation, here I am dying, my wife is fast asleep, snoring next to me. Lord how unfair is that, does no one care about me? In desperation, I thought let me try a bit of bicarb, amazing how that worked. The following day it felt as if all my joints were seizing up, I would have to go and see the oncologist, because he must have done something wrong. While there, an old lady who was on her third round with cancer told me to try some citric soda before and after each round, as it would help. After I had been told I would make it, I felt much better and went back to my old routine.

Fourteen Days After My First Round Of Chemo I Woke Up And Saw My Pillow Full Of Hair, Went To Wash And Took Out Fistfuls Of Hair As I Washed It

I then decided to have what was left shaved off. Seeing myself with no hair was to say the least, frightening, who was this ugly dude in the mirror, that coupled with this dent in my chest and this scar line through its centre was to say the least horrid to look at, I had been stripped of my dignity in just a few short weeks.

All too soon it was time for the next round, Linda woke me up extra early so that the pills could work before we got to the oncologist. One nurse would lay across my legs, and my wife would hold my hands down, whilst another nurse would hook me up. All the time I would be shouting “take it out, take it out”.

After being hooked up I would sit there in a daze passing comments to other patients like “Ag shame that red devil is going to give you the best haircut of your life.” Day three was the worst, I tried to throw up and it felt as if I was summoning the stuff from somewhere well below my knees. After my fifth round of chemo the oncologist told my wife that he felt I did not need the last round of chemo.

During this time I took it upon myself to totally revamp my garden, this kept my mind busy and I think it was a saving grace in its own way.

My Experience Of Radiation Was More Relaxed

Before the radiotherapy treatment I had to go for “simulation” which is where they measure you up and draw lines on you and set the radiation computer to radiate the exact points and determine the degree of intensity. The bed felt like a tiny little bench on which you are precariously placed. All was well and relaxing until they came to tattoo me, I almost leaped off the bench. I was gathered up and told to return and lie still it was just a two tiny pricks. This is true and I felt a fool for the scene but could not help it.

I then completed 6 weeks of radiation Monday to Friday each week. It was only in the last week that I started getting sores under my arms, where I would sweat. These were in fact rather painful and another patient advised me to put Gentian violet on these sores. This worked very well on the sores, but messed up any “designer shirts” I might have chosen to wear! I was advised never to get the radiated area wet during the radiation treatment, nor to put any creams or perfume on. I stuck to these instructions and am grateful I did.

This treatment was followed by five years of Tamoxifen tablets which are basically hormone blockers. As a result of these I had the pleasure of experiencing hot flushes. This, together with the annual mammograms, have given me a great respect for our female counterparts.

Despite all this I believe that my journey with cancer has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. And YES men can be diagnosed with breast cancer and overcome it.

FAQ About Breast Cancer In Men

Gifts For Men With Breast Cancer

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  Deluxe Male Cancer Gift Package

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  Black Samsung Case: 'Winning at Cancer' Inspiring White Text Design

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  The (Unisex) Deluxe Gift For Breast Cancer Surgery

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  No More Chemo | Premium Men's Heavyweight Tee

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Further Reading

The Cancer Association of Zimbabwe

Cervical and Breast Cancer are Prominent Female Cancers in Sub-Saharan Africa

Breast Cancer Gift Ideas

Hello, I’m Helen Ruckledge from FadFree Nutrition and I would love to share my cancer story with you and how it lead to me discovering the best nutrition for cancer patients .....*takes a deep breath*

Preface

A mum of four, tea lover and freelance nutritionist, I provide fad-free, scientifically-backed nutritional advice, within the constraints of real life (and believe me, I understand the ‘real life’ thing). Last, but by no means least, I am a breast cancer previvor, turned survivor.

As a highly qualified nutritionist working within mainstream NHS recommendations, I never thought I would fall for any of the myths online about what to eat and not to eat after a cancer diagnosis. What I didn’t bargain for is how utterly desperate you can feel when diagnosed with cancer, especially when you have four young children to stay alive for.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

My story begins back in 1997, when my beloved mum was diagnosed with breast cancer on her first routine mammogram, aged 50. Despite embracing every treatment offered to her, less than three short years later, my mum’s cancer was back and it was not going to go away. We lost her in 2006 and I am still grieving. But that’s another story.

On her death, my mum’s oncologist advised me that around my 40^th birthday I should approach my genetics service about a possible genetic link, which I dutifully did.

Chapter 2: In the Genes

A strong family history of breast cancer emerged after my mum’s death, but despite this, my local genetics service put me at low/moderate risk of breast cancer because I did not carry the BRCA gene mutations. However, a bit of schoolgirl maths (I always was partial to facts and figures), quickly revealed that the probability the breast cancers in our family occurring by chance was extremely slim. Almost negligible in fact. Having witnessed my mum’s long-suffering experience with breast cancer, I knew instantly that I wanted risk-reducing surgery.

Cutting a long story short, with the help of the National Hereditary Breast Cancer Helpline (NHBCH), which I can highly recommend if you find yourself in a similar predicament, I was eventually referred to a genetics team outside of my area. They immediately classed me as high risk, due to an unknown gene mutation, and eligible for risk-reducing surgery.

I was chomping at the bit and desperate to get on with it for the sake of my children, but there was a bit of a wait. Expressing my anxiety to my surgeon, he reassured me that ‘nobody ever gets breast cancer waiting for risk reducing surgery’. How wrong he turned out to be. I had my bilateral mastectomy as soon as the first available slot was offered to me, a few weeks before my 43^rd birthday.

Chapter 3: The Stuff of Nightmares

One autumn day, nine weeks after my surgery, I was in the hospital for a routine check-up. My consultant appeared with a Macmillan nurse (I thought it was a bit weird at the time), sat me down and told me that when the histology came back from the tissue removed in my operation, it showed I already had breast cancer.

The room span. I didn’t even register the doctor’s optimistic opinion that I was very lucky to have caught it so early and had an excellent prognosis.

Feeling disorientated and scared, my partner and I dragged ourselves out of the hospital and back home to hang on tight to our four innocent children.

I went on to undergo five further surgeries; to clear the margins (a second invasive tumour was found that had been left in following the mastectomies), to dismantle the reconstruction due to an infection and then to reconstruct my breasts again in several stages.

Chapter 4: Persuasive Voices

I was desperate not to follow in the footsteps of my unfortunate mum who I missed so much, so I started to look at lifestyle changes that may reduce my risk of breast cancer recurrence. 

I soon learned that there’s a minefield of nutritional information for cancer patients, online and in books. Much advice is well-intentioned but unfortunately, frequently it is not grounded in scientific evidence.

There are so many persuasive voices, claiming certain foods are ‘superfoods’ that will stop your cancer coming back and others claiming that you must eliminate certain foods or food groups as they are likely to send you to an early grave. Some advice is born out of emotive personal stories like my own and individual experiences of diet and cancer. But this doesn’t make it true for everyone.

Even with two Masters degrees, one in Human Nutrition and one in Philosophy and Psychology, I can vouch for the fact that it is so difficult to think clearly about nutrition after a cancer diagnosis, when you feel vulnerable and are desperate to stay alive. It’s so easy to believe the hype and to get swept along by fad diets and false hope.

Chapter 5: Regaining Control

Like many breast cancer patients, I was desperate to regain some control at a time when surgeons and oncologists were making all the decisions in my life. If you’ve had cancer, I’m sure you’ll agree that changing what you eat is an easy way to take back some control.

I found myself giving up dairy, just to hedge my bets. What can be the harm in that, I thought? The hardest thing was drinking black tea, because I adore a traditional Yorkshire brew with a splash of milk and drink it pretty much all day, every day. It was difficult, but worth it for my kids, I told myself.

After a few months, when I managed to reign in some of my anxiety and focus back on my academic knowledge, I realized that I was far more at risk eliminating dairy than I would be eating it. The scientific evidence is just not convincing that eliminating dairy does not improve prognosis, this is also the opinion of the NHS and the World Cancer Research Fund. Furthermore, I was taking Tamoxifen, which increased my risk of osteoporosis, so reducing my calcium intake was the last thing I should be doing.

So I sat down with a proper Yorkshire cuppa and some cheese on a buttered teacake, just as my mum had found so comforting when she was diagnosed all those years ago. What a relief.  

Chapter 6: How to Navigate Nutritional Nonsense

As a nutritionist, I would suggest three simple steps for cancer patients to help you navigate nutritional nonsense.

1. Don’t panic.
2. Find information about nutrition and cancer from respectable sources. My two favourites are the UK’s National Health Service and the World Cancer Research Fund. Both organisations are backed by eminent scientists in the field of cancer patient nutrition and their websites are very clear, accessible and informative.
3. Seek the advice of a nutritionist such as myself who is registered with the Association for Nutrition. Avoid listening to advice from ‘nutritionists’ (unfortunately ANYONE can use this title) who are registered with the ‘school of life’.

Chapter 7: Why is Nutrition Important For Cancer Patients?

Maximizing your energy, supporting your immune system, helping you cope with the physical demands of treatment, stabilizing your mental health and ultimately improving your prognosis, are all of huge importance to anyone with a primary or secondary cancer diagnosis. Eating well and good nutrition can assist with all of these issues and can make a huge difference to your health, wellbeing, and quality of life.

My mum was always determined to eat what made her happy throughout her cancer ordeal (think afternoon tea…. most days!). She thought sharing and enjoying food with others made a big impact on her health and wellbeing at a difficult time. I would agree that the importance of food for comfort and enjoyment cannot be underestimated either.

Chapter 8: Sharing Nutritional Know-How

This chapter is where you appear in my story!

As a breast cancer survivor myself, I have researched the scientific literature about cancer and nutrition in fine detail for my own benefit. Now I am six years post-diagnosis, I love to share this knowledge with others, with a bucketful of empathy.

If you are feeling confused by the conflicting nutritional messages, scared about eating well and eating the wrong things and feel you need individualized nutritional support, I can help you. I can listen and respond to what you have heard or read (I do love a bit of myth-busting!). I can also guide you in how to eat following a cancer diagnosis, to maximise your energy, health, nutrition and quality of life through treatment and beyond.

New Chapter: A Dramatic Turning Point in YOUR Cancer Story?

Would you feel relieved if all the confusion over what to eat would evaporate and you were empowered to make informed decisions about your diet with complete confidence? If so, the simple act of contacting me may be a dramatic turning point in your cancer story.

I am pleased to offer you a completely FREE 15 minute discovery call in which you can tell me about your cancer story (now you know mine, it’s only fair!) and we can discuss the best nutrition in cancer and nutritional practices for cancer patients and how I can help you. If you are interested in whether particular dietary suggestions you’ve heard about could benefit your health, you can leave those with me to research, if I don’t already know the answers.

There is absolutely no obligation to proceed to a full consultation, but if you choose to, I will offer a rigorous and detailed analysis of your nutritional situation, followed up with a written summary of everything we have discussed (memory isn’t at its best when undergoing the stress of cancer treatment, is it?). I’ll throw in some simple cancer-friendly meal and snack ideas too.

In the meantime, you may be interested in signing up to my FREE monthly newsletter for nutrition support. I supply lots of evidence-based nutritional inspiration, including FadFree Nutrition tips, myth-busting, easy recipes, practical ideas, exclusive offers and more.

Cancer patients signing up to the newsletter from this website will receive a FREE pdf containing some easy, nutritious, cancer-friendly recipes.

Sign up to the FadFree Nutrition Monthly Newsletter

Thank you so much for reading my story. Now it’s over to you to write the next chapter.

Further Reading

Suggestions For An Optimal Cancer Diet: Hoaxes and Myths Not Discussed

Understanding Chemotherapy Nausea Control: What You Can Do To Help

Products To Help With Nausea

How to help

If you have a friend or loved one who’s going through radiotherapy treatment as a result of their cancer diagnosis, you’re probably keen to help them out in some way. But how? Knowing how to do that in the right way and in a way that’ll be helpful without being too intrusive can be tough. And each person’s needs and preferences will always be specific to them.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should wait for them to ask you for help though because some people are very uncomfortable about asking for help, even when they really need it. They might be hesitant to burden you with the things that they need help with, so putting yourself out there and offering up help is key. You’ll want to make it clear that you’re there for them.

Below I will share some of the ways in which you can be helpful to someone going through radiation therapy, with some suggestions of things they may want or need but don't know how to ask for.

Offer to take them to their appointments

It’ll be important for your friend or family member to get to their radiation treatment without too much stress or hassle. If you know that they don’t have anyone who can take them there or they sometimes need a little extra help to get there, you could offer to do that for them. Appointments often come thick and fast for cancer patients and radiotherapy can be every single day for many weeks, so staying on top of all the appointments is important.

It could be as simple as filling in when the person who usually takes them to their radiation treatment is not able to do so. Being the person who can step in and offer this basic service can be essential. The person going through radiotherapy will more than likely have enough stress to deal with without having to also worry about getting there on time and on schedule.

Wait for them during their radiotherapy

Attending radiotherapy appointments with them might be very helpful. Although you won't be able to attend the radiotherapy session, just being the person waiting for them when they come out might be comforting. If you know that they would otherwise have to attend their appointments alone and they might not be comfortable doing that, you could offer to attend and wait for them. Of course, you don’t want to make the mistake of inviting yourself, but offering and asking won't do any harm.

If you do end up attending appointments with them, you could help with some practical things. There’s often a lot of information that’s relayed during or after radiotherapy that needs to be remembered. You could offer to take notes of the things that are said so that they can be remembered and you can remind your friend of them later.

People who are going through radiotherapy treatment can sometimes experience brain fog. It can make it difficult to focus and sometimes difficult to remember details. That’s why taking notes and keeping track of those details is something may be valuable. It’s a good example of a practical way in which you can help and make yourself useful.

Look after their kids so they can rest

If the person going through cancer treatment has a young family and has to deal with all the tasks and responsibilities that come with that, you should try to do whatever you can to help out (if they want you to). It’s very difficult to balance all of those tasks and keep things moving in the right direction while also receiving treatment for cancer. It makes all of those tasks more difficult than they used to be for understandable reasons.

There are plenty of ways in which you can help cancer patients, and looking after the kids while they’re resting is one example of that. Rest is vitally important for people who are receiving radiotherapy treatments. It’s hard to get the rest that’s needed when you need to do all the tasks associated with looking after children and managing a household. You can help them out with that.

Again, this is something that you can offer to do and it’s not necessary to wait to be asked. It’s something that people often don’t like to ask for because they don’t want to ask much of the people around them, even if they could really do with that extra assistance and a little extra rest.

Do what you can to help when they need to rest

There are lots of ways in which you can alleviate the pressure on the person you’re trying to help. As we’ve discussed and as you know, radiotherapy can be tough and making sure that the person receiving that treatment gets enough rest in between treatments is vitally important. It’ll help them deal with the process and procedures much more smoothly if they’re able to get that kind of rest.

Everyone’s situation is unique and individual to them, and it’s up to you to find ways in which you can help. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with simply asking them what you can do for them. And if you notice that there are things that are taking up their time and stopping them from resting, and you think you can help with them, it’s definitely a good idea to offer it.

Sometimes, you’ll need to get creative and find ways to help out. It’s all about making sure that they get the rest and recovery time they need; that’s what it comes down to and you can see it as your mission to help make that possible. It’s something that you’ll have to figure out depending on the circumstances and your relationship.

Create a care package for them

One useful and effective thing you can do when trying to help someone who’s going through radiotherapy treatment is to create a care package for them. This should include a range of things that they would find useful and comforting as they go through the difficult and often testing process of receiving the treatment they require. It’s a perfect way of showing you care while also doing something that’s practically helpful to that person.

So what should be included in the care package you create for them? Well, that’s up to you to decide, but there are some things in particular that you should definitely think about adding and some things you shouldn't. For a start, don't add any perfumed or harsh cleansers or toiletries as these can irritate freshly treated skin. Instead, you could look at some things that can help them take care of themselves while taking into account the specific side effects that come with radiotherapy treatment. Perhaps include an emollient cream, which can be used to care for the area of the body being treated? It’s vital to keep the area being treated moisturized with a non-perfumed, non-reactive moisturizer. Emollients do this and an emollient wash can also be used as a good alternative to soap.

You could add a few things that can offer comfort and make resting a little easier than it otherwise might be. For example, pillows, a blanket and /or sleep masks are good options if you want to provide them with greater comfort. Or by a ready-made care package, as below

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  Radiotherapy Gift Package For Adults

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Gifts for radiotherapy patients

There are other suitable gifts for people going through radiation therapy, and as long as you remember not to get anything that might irritate burns, you will probably be OK. Below is a sample of the gifts we provide, with radiation therapy patients in mind.

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  I'm Afraid My Brain Just Left For The Day | High-Grade Stainless Steel Water Bottle | PBA Free

  £26.00
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  "Secretly Hoping Radiotherapy Gives Me Superpowers" Mug with Color Inside

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  Empower Your Journey with Self-Care: I Don't Have to be Brave Canvas

  £45.50
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  I'm Afraid My Brain Just Left For The Day | Unisex Sweatshirt

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  Gentle Oilatum Bath Formula | 150ml

  £6.99
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  ORGANii -Luxury Organic Gentle Hand Cream - 75ml

  £2.99
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  Luxury Black Satin 'Rest Time' Robe

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  I'm Already Tired For Tomorrow Pillow

  £24.00
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Help with food prep

Helping out with things like food prep can be a good idea if you want to make yourself useful. Good food and a healthy diet is important for anyone dealing with cancer, especially when they’re going through radiation treatment. If you want to help out, you can prepare them some healthy dishes that will help them through their recovery and get the nutrition that they need. Just make sure you are aware if they have any special diet, dietary restrictions or if their taste has changed due to their cancer or therapies.

But it's not just about making sure that people with cancer get the food and nutrition that they need; it’s also about making sure that they don’t have to spend a lot of their time cooking when they could be resting and taking care of themselves. We all know how tasking and challenging cooking can be and taking that pressure off their shoulders can be a big positive.

There are lots of ways you can help, from coming over and cooking for them in the evening to preparing some food in your kitchen and bringing it over to them so that they don’t have to cook for themselves. All of these things can be highly positive, so it’s definitely something for you to consider.

Be there to sit and listen

It’s not always the big things that matter to a person when they’re going through cancer treatment. The smaller seeming things can also have a big impact on these kinds of things. For example, if you can be there for them and listen to their problems and the things they’re going through, that’s something that can be really helpful for them.

Simply letting them vent and share their feelings, no matter how negative, you could have a positive impact. Sometimes it’s better for them to get those thoughts and feelings out and to share them with another person than to bottle them up inside. Having someone to talk to can make them feel a lot better about things and simply having an outlet for those feelings is healthy, and you could facilitate that.

It’s also about making sure cancer patients don’t feel alone as they go through this process. It can be incredibly lonely when you’re dealing with those challenges and it’s up to you to let them know that they’re not alone and that you are there for them in whatever way you can be, no matter how tough things get.

Offer them some normality

It’s also important to remember that people with cancer receiving radiotherapy won’t necessarily want to be treated differently than they would be before they were diagnosed with cancer. That’s why you should try to offer them some normality. Talk to them about normal things and talk to them in a normal way. It might sound strange, but this is often the most important thing of all.

When life is so different and all of these unfamiliar and scary things are happening, having normal things going on and a dose of normality can be really helpful. Don’t start treating them entirely differently to how you normally would, even if something does have to change. Try to have a laugh and talk to them about the things you would normally talk to them about.

Being a good friend when someone is going through radiotherapy is all about making that person feel more comfortable, and that extra normality you have the opportunity to bring can certainly help them with that. This is something that can be approached in many ways, so make the effort to keep things normal.

Help them stay on track with their recovery

After this cancer treatment has been completed, they’ll need to do what they can to stay on track and maintain their recovery. There are so many things that need to be done, from looking after their skin to getting rest and everything in between. If you’re able to, you might want to attend appointments with them and understand what needs to happen next by listening to the thoughts and guidance of their doctors.

If you do that, you can understand what needs to happen and how you can support and motivate them when it comes to staying on track with their recovery. This is an important part of the treatment process and you’ll help them out a lot if they’re starting to struggle. That extra support from someone who cares about them can make a big difference.

It’s easy to get demoralized when dealing with something as challenging and serious as cancer, but staying on track remains vital throughout the process. If you can help cancer patients stay on track in whatever way you can it could be positive for them.

Brighten up their day in small ways

There are lots of small things you can do to help people with cancer and show that you’re there for them. These things do matter, even if they’re not going to have the biggest impact. Sometimes, a person just needs to have their day brightened up in a little way. It’s about lifting their spirits and making sure that they have the motivation to carry on.

You can do this in a variety of different ways, so it’s up to you to work out how you can make sure that this happens. It could be as small as showing up for them and being there when they’re feeling vulnerable. Showing that they’re not alone and that they’re fully supported makes a big difference and could lift their mood.

Stay in touch

If you can't be there in person staying in touch is also something that could be important. You can show them that you’re there for them and that you’re thinking about them by simply calling. Calling them and being there to talk is something that’s important and easy to do, as we’ve discussed above. It’s also important to understand how valuable it is to know that someone cares, and that’s what staying in touch does.

Everyone is different and some people with cancer just want to shut themselves away and hide from the world when they are going through something that might be the toughest times. Staying in touch and keeping them connected to the world outside their bubble is a way in which you may be able help them.

Don’t hesitate to give them a call or even simply send them a message to find out how they’re doing. Let them tell you if they don't want to talk and don't be upset if that's the case. These are all relatively small things, but they make a big difference and that can’t be ignored.

When someone close to you is going through something as serious as cancer treatment, being there for them and helping them in any way you can is something that’s very important. It can sometimes be difficult to know how you can help, but the advice and options discussed above should give you a few positive places to start.

Further reading

Cancer Self Care Ideas – To Help You Look After Yourself

Worst Gifts For Cancer Patients

How To Help Someone With Cancer: What You Need To Know

This new YouTube review is from the popular lifestyle blog "Alejandra's Life"

Alejandra said

This was actually a bit emotional to speak about, as you can see on the video, but I think this is so nice to give to a person who is going through Cancer treatments and feeling the way they are, they need support and caring...

Cancer Care Parcel is a brand that really knows what is going on with Cancer patients and they know what they need.

Watch The Opening Of The Ultimate Woman's Cancer Gift

[vc_video link="https://youtu.be/5jZQhPUf9Dg"]

Thoughtful Women's Cancer Gifts

Further Reading

Thoughtful Breast Cancer Gifts

Helping A Friend With Cancer: What You Need To Know

How To Buy Thoughtful & Appropriate Breast Cancer Gifts For Women

2017 started off as a one of the best of my life and ended as one of the worst.

I’d just got engaged to a wonderful man, and we had sold our houses to move in together with our 4 children. It was the day we got the keys to our new house that the consultant bluntly told me I had breast cancer. It wasn’t a surprise as since the tests three weeks before, my breast was on fire and swollen with my nipple turning in as fast as an umbrella on a windy day.

I decided pretty quickly after my diagnosis that I was going to be positive in my outlook. I was only 43, fit from running a marathon and 4 half marathons that year, healthy apart from being partial to a few gin’s.  I had access to fantastic hospitals very close by and I had a really good support network.

My breast cancer was HER2 positive and advanced, but I was being told it was treatable even though it had spread to my lymph nodes. I was really cross with myself for not noticing this avocado size lump in my breast sooner, how could I have missed it as I was so good at checking my breasts…wasn’t I?

December 2017 brought my first chemo, (FEC)

It was a miserable Christmas, and the decision to plan a small wedding to distract us. 150 people later and bald in my wedding dress we married and had the best day with a few steroid tablets to take the edge off.

If you’ve ever had an MRI you will know that concentrating on a playlist whilst it sounding like you’re strapped to the bottom of a jet during take-off is impossible. It was during these noisy minutes that I realised that forgetting to check my boobs for lumps and changes had nearly cost me my life. If I hadn’t found the 7cm x 9cm lump when I had it would have surely spread and I wonder what I could do to help others. So I started to blog and the first of the month check for a lump was born.

Through Facebook, I have shared resources and information as well as my story. I’ve created posters, been featured in local and national news and written and illustrated a parody called ‘We’re Going On A Boob hunt’. Cheesy, but effective.

I wasn’t my intention to change the world

But I saw an opportunity to change a negative into a positive by raising awareness.  I’m now aware that there are campaigns out there with the same message reaching a far bigger audience than myself. However, over the last 3 years I’ve had a lot of messages of thanks. Women who have found lumps early and have been treated. Some who tell me they have become more body aware, less afraid to check and more confident in knowing how. A fair few people who got check out and reassured. All have been thankful for the message and the reminder. A few have actually told me I have saved their lives!

Cancer is no picnic, but the word itself scares people to death.

I’ve always tried to take away some of the mystery and the hidden element of treatment by sharing my story. I posted a picture of me covered in the surgeon’s doodles the night before my mastectomy and it reached over seventy thousand people all around the world. I know it’s not for everyone but it helped me knowing I was making a difference and I really believe my positive attitude aided healing…as well as a shit load of chemo!

I was thrilled to learn that I’d had a full pathological response and was cancer-free around eight months after I’d found my lump. The six rounds of chemotherapy and surgery that followed had been brutal but worth it.

Even though I had more treatment ahead it was at this point that I decide to write a book.

I thought it would be cathartic and it could help others with their ‘journey’ through cancer or supporting a loved one with cancer.  I’m not sure now knowing the amount of work and time it would take I would make the same decision. There has been a lot of home learning how to edit, format, self-publish and market it. However, I’m so proud of what I have achieved. I wanted a book that would be uplifting and positive alongside the seriousness of treatment and the side effects it brings. As an art teacher, I wanted it to also make an impact visually so the book includes artwork and photographs to complement my story.

In the book I touch on why we are sometimes scared to face issues with our health. In my experience of trying to raise awareness, I’ve come across a ‘head in the sand’ mentality amongst some people who will avoid a smear, or self-checking for fear of what will be found. I’ve been there myself in the past and the psychology behind it really interests me. It’s also apparent that the longer my hair, the healthier I appear, and the further away in time from my diagnosis, people get less interested in the message.

Great for me, not great for a campaign that needs engagement or a large ‘reach’.

I’m one of the many lucky ones who have survived cancer and although I still have days where I just enjoy existing, I really try and live life to the full. I am at the early stages of starting a charity to support children and families whose loved ones are receiving treatment for cancer. (SAYF - Support around your family) I really felt like whilst I was surviving treatment, there was little or no support for my children or husband. Yet if I was dying or had died, there would be more help and support available. I’m still open to what that support could be and I think as every family is different, there will need to be a variety of options from counseling and holistic therapies to paying for a cleaner or a trip to the cinema. As I’m in the very early stages, I need to research how as a charity we will be best placed to help.

If you would like to know more about my story, my book is ‘Boobs Are For Life, Not Just For Insta!’

Further reading

Cancer Self Care Ideas – To Help You Look After Yourself

How to Respond To a Friend With Breast Cancer

Choosing The Best Gifts For Chemo Patients